Dr. 58 -- Session 4

(Note: After considerable and rather tedious haggling with the Arbiter of the Hassas Grid, we were finally again granted access to Dr. 58. We decided to NOT pay over the 100 C-Chits as the Arbiter had requested because we felt that we should maintain a “some hand” over this character.



We started the bargaining by offering not 100 C-Chits but only five, at which point the Arbiter referred to us as “Debased Soul Cannibals.” To make a long story short, we got the Arbiter to accept 25 C-Chits -- and let this be a lesson to all of you who plan to dabble with Ouija entities -- there is no reason to ever let them push you around on any issue. So, anyway, on to Dr. 58, and I am omitting the opening salutations).


Question: So Dr. 58, the Arbiter of the Hassas Grid required us to pay a certain amount of C-Chits in order to communicate with you via your Hassas Grid. Are you also required to pay C-Chits?

ANSWER: I AM REQUIRED TO INFUSE THE GLASS BALL OF OIL WITH ENERGY.

Question: How do you do that?

ANSWER: THERE IS A METHOD AS OUTLINED IN THE VERDANTIC MYSTERIES WHICH INSTRUCTS THE TRANSFER OF HUMAN CHI INTO THE LIQUID INSIDE THE GLASS BULB.

Question: Okay, well, we really want to know so much more about so many thing, including the satellite disasters you mentioned. But first, we can’t help but ask about something we are very curious about, and that is the Mississippi River. This is the largest river in America and essentially bisects the country down the middle -- the river has its source inside Minnesota, in a place we call Lake Itasca. What are your feelings about the fact that this massive river emerges from inside the borders of Minnesota and flows into the outside normal world.

(There is a long pause).

ANSWER: IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL IT? THE MISSISSIPPI?

Question: Yes, what do you call it?

ANSWER: I’M AFRAID. I DON’T KNOW IF I SHOULD SPEAK ITS NAME. IT’S ILLEGAL AND DANGEROUS.

Question: Well, so far you have come to no harm during our discussion, and remember your protection of Codicil 13. So can you tell us more?

(Another long pause)

ANSWER: THAT WHICH YOU SPEAK OF IS THE GRADITCH CHAX.

Question: That’s what you call the big river that flows out of Minnesota?

ANSWER: YES. IT IS THE SOURCE OF MUCH MYSTERY, LOATHING AND TERROR.

Question: Well, you mean to say that the entire Mississippi, that which you call the Graditch Chax which flows past Iowa, Missouri and all down through the nation must somehow be totally avoided? That just doesn’t seem remotely practical.

ANSWER: WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE PEOPLE DO? SWIM IN IT?

Question: Why not? The river is used for all kinds of activities, from shipping and boating to pleasure in our world.

ANSWER: NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD GO NEAR THE GRADITCH CHAX, OR EVEN LOOK AT IT. I CAN’T BELIEVE ANYTHING YOU SAY.

Question: Well, we are just being honest with you, and we’re just having a conversation that you don’t have to take seriously. But, so your saying that millions of square miles of land adjacent to the Graditch Chax is kept clear of people?

ANSWER: YES, OF COURSE.

Question: What about where it meets the sea in the south, that which we call the Gulf of Mexico?

ANSWER: THE DELTA OF DREAD. AVOIDED.

Question: What have been some of the problems associated with the Graditch Chax, as you call it?

ANSWER: NUMEROUS TO MENTION. FRIGHTENING TO SPEAK OF.

Question: Please just tell us one thing, give us one example, could you?

(A long pause)

ANSWER: MONSTERS, BIZARRE THINGS. WEIRD THINGS. THE MASSIVE FLOOD OF CORPSES AND BODY PARTS.

Question: Wow, you mean things like this are seen in the river, in the Graditch Chax?

ANSWER: YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT IT? YOU SAY YOU ARE IN MINNESOTA?

Question: Again, your version of Minnesota is different from ours. We theorize that your universe is not ours. You are in some kind of parallel or other universe, similar to ours in many ways, but obviously vastly different.

ANSWER: THAT IS AM AMAZING CONCEPT. I’M NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND.

Question: Well, we will tell you more, but first tell use about some of the incidents associated with the Graditch Chax, will you please?

ANSWER: THERE ARE MANY WHISPERS, MANY RUMORS. STRANGELY, SOME ARE WHIMSICAL, LIGHT HEARTED, BUT MOST ARE HORRID. FRIGHTENING TO SPEAK OF.

(Note: We could really sense that Dr. 58 was hedging on telling us anything more about the Graditch Chax, so we decided to see if we could ease him into the subject by asking about one of these “whimsical” episodes associated with the dreaded river.)

Question: Dr. 58, tell us about one of the more mild or whimsical incidents associated with the Graditch Chax, can you?

(A long pause)

ANSWER: A FEW YEARS AGO, THERE WERE THE INSECT MACHINES.

Question: What was that all about?

ANSWER: THERE IS NO OFFICIAL RECORD, BUT THE INCIDENT SPREAD RAPIDLY BY WORD-OF-MOUTH.

Question: What happened?

ANSWER: IN IOWA JUST OUTSIDE THE NEUTRAL ZONE ABOUT 50 MILES SOUTH OF MINNESOTA. ONE NIGHT, STRANGE LIGHTS APPEARED IN THE SKY IN THE SOUTH OF MINNESOTA. THEY APPEARED TO MOVE SOUTH. WITNESSES FROM A DISTANCE HEARD BIZARRE NOISES IN THE VICINITY OF THE WEST BANK OF THE GRADITCH CHAX. IN THE DARK, NEAR THE GRADITCH CHAX, STRANGE LIGHT FORMS MOVED.

Question: What happened then?

ANSWER: THERE WAS MUCH NERVOUSNESS. SUCH INCIDENTS ARE RARE. IN THE LIGHT OF DAY, HIGH-POWERED OPTICAL DEVICES SCANNED THE AREA TOWARD THE AREA WHERE THE ACTIVITY HAD OCCURRED.

Question: And this was in Iowa then, about 50 miles south of Minnesota near the Graditch Chax? And who did the scanning with the optics.

ANSWER: YES. THE GOVERNMENT. THEY SAW A ROW OF YELLOW DEVICES POSITIONED ON THE PRAIRIE SOME DISTANCE FROM THE CHAX.

Question: Were they investigated? What were they?

ANSWER: SINCE IT WAS WELL OUTSIDE MINNESOTA, THE HAZARD AUTHORITIES APPROACHED WITH SHOCK TROOPS. THE DEVICES. THEY WERE SMALL VENDING MACHINES. ON EACH WERE IMPRINTED WORDS IN AN ANCIENT LANGUAGE.

Question: What did the words say?

ANSWER: SCHOLARS SPENT MONTHS DECIPHERING THE GLYPHS. THEY WERE OF AN ANCIENT DEAD LANGUAGE. THE WORDS MEANT: “NO FAMINE.”

Question: How curious. And what were the machines? You say they were vending machines?

ANSWER: YES, EACH DEVICE CARRIED A WIDE HORN ON TOP. THESE WERE SUCTION DEVICES. THE MACHINES ATTRACTED INSECTS AND SUCKED THEM INTO THE HORN AND DOWN INSIDE THE DEVICE.

Question: And then what?

ANSWER: THE MACHINES WERE FRONTED WITH PANELS AND SMALL DOORS. A HORNY KNOB COULD BE MANIPULATED. THE MACHINE WOULD THEN DISPENSE A WRAPPED CAKE MADE OF INSECT MATTER.

Question: Ha! Ha! This seems just so totally ridiculous. What it sounds like you are describing is a kind of candy bar machine we have here in our world. You put money into is and is kicks out a candy bar. Do you know what we are talking about?

ANSWER: NOT REALLY.

Question: Well, you seem to know the term “vending machine.” This is essentially what we’re are talking about here. But what you seem to be telling us is that -- for some totally loony reason -- some strange people, or spooks or whatever, came out of Minnesota and set up some vending machines that are able to suck in insects from the air, then process them internally into edible insect protein treats for humans to eat -- ostensibly as a way to keep people from starving to death? Please, do you really expect us to believe this dippy story, Dr. 58? Certainly, you must be some kind of trickster ghost or sprite who is only playing with our minds via the Ouija board!

ANSWER: I DON’T BELIEVE ANYTHING YOU SAY EITHER.

Question: Are you really a 17-year-old from New York City?

ANSWER: YES. ARE YOU REALLY FROM MINNESOTA?

Question: Yes! Well, tell us then about these ‘No Famine’ machines. I mean, what were they made of? Metal? What were the insect cakes wrapped in? Plastic?

ANSWER: THE MACHINES WERE MADE OF BONE OF AN UNDETERMINED ANIMAL. THE INSECT CAKES WERE WRAPPED IN A LEAF MATTER, WHICH TURNED OUT TO BE OAK LEAVES.

Question: Ha! Ha! We can’t take too much more of this! What was the power source of the machines? How did they produce suction to gather in insect?

ANSWER: THE HERESAY ON THE STREET IS THAT EACH MACHINE CONTAINED A SMALL BLACK PELLET THAT APPEARED TO SUPPLY POWER.

Question: Ha! Ha! What was the pellet made from? Plutonium?

ANSWER: WHAT IS PLUTONIUM?

Question: Never mind, we were just joking. It just all seems so ridiculous! But this would suggest that there is a sense of altruism and good in Minnesota if they were giving this wonderful gift to humanity, to keep people from starving with yummy insect cakes pulled free from the air! What did they taste like? Were they moist and delicious?

ANSWER: YOU ARE VERY NAÏVE. THIS WAS NOT ALTRUISM. IT WAS SEEN AS AN ATTEMPT TO POISON PEOPLE, OR PERHAPS DRUG THEM AND MAKE THEM INTO MINNESOTA CLOOKS.

Question: What is a clook?

ANSWER: AN ANIMATED DEAD PERSON. A SLAVE.

Question: Well, couldn’t the insect protein treats be tested for toxins, or fed to animals?

ANSWER: VERY LIKELY, BUT OF THIS IS TOP SECRET GOVERNMENT ACTIVITY. NO ONE IS ALLOWED INFORMATION.

Question: So it is thought by your authorities that these ‘No Famine’ machines were sort of like some Minnesota Ghouls setting out rat traps for people in the outside world?

ANSWER: THAT WOULD BE THE OBVIOUS CONCLUSION. WHY NOT?

(Note: We ended the session there. We had a few beers and had more than a few good laughs about the session. Later, we considered pitching the idea of automated insect protein machines to the U.N.)