Dr. 58 -- Session 13

We intended to get on with the satellite disaster information, but as you will see, a couple of side questions quickly distracted us and led us into a different direction for a long session. What’s frustrating about the Dr. 58 session is how extremely easy it is to get carried away by some interesting side issue. No doubt, a lot of you will find this session rather ridiculous, but here it is.

(Eliminating some preliminaries, the session begins.)


Question: Dr. 58, can you tell us what you look like?

ANSWER: WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW THAT?

Question: We’re just curious about you. We feel we’ve come to know you better and naturally want to know more about you.

ANSWER: I WOULD NOT GIVE PERSONAL INFORMATION, FOR FEAR OF HEX.

Question: But you say you have the protection of Codicil 13 of the Verdantic mysteries, so why are you afraid?

ANSWER: IT’S A PRECAUTION. I WOULD NOT TEST IT.

Question: But certainly by this time in our many conversations, you have developed some trust of us and understand that we are only curious about other worlds, such as yours, which is strange to us. We have no power to hex you. What do you say?

ANSWER: YOU MAY BE HARMLESS, BUT YOUR CURIOSITY SEEMS AVARICIOUS. YOUR THIRST FOR INFORMATION IS UNUSUAL.

Question: Well, we’re guilty on that charge, but again, that’s natural because of the extraordinary nature of the things you tell us about. For us, Minnesota is a normal place with none of the highly paranormal, weird and strange stuff you talk about. Does it not seem natural to you that we are very curious?

ANSWER: I SUPPOSE THAT COULD BE THE CASE.

Question: Will you tell us anything about yourself? Like your real name?

ANSWER: NOT AT THIS TIME.

Question: What is the significance of the Dr. 58 moniker?

ANSWER: AGAIN, I ADHERE TO CODICIL 13.

Question: Very well. Can you tell us what you do for fun?

ANSWER: LIKE MANY PEOPLE, I PLAY PEPPER BALL.

Question: What is that?

ANSWER: YOU DON’T HAVE IT? IT IS THE MOST POPULAR SPORT IN AMERICA.

Question: No. We have things like baseball and football, and many other games involving play with a ball. You call your game Pepper Ball. That sounds intriguing. How is it played, if you can summarize briefly?

ANSWER: 12 PLAYERS ON EACH TEAM. A TRAC MAN ON EACH END. IT IS PLAYED INSIDE THE WIK CAGE, OF COURSE. PLAYERS ATTEMPT TO STRIKE THE TRAC MAN WITH THE PEPPER BALL.

Question: Whoa! That’s a bit too brief for us to get a good idea. Let’s get some specific details. What is this Pepper Ball? What does it look like? For example, is it round or oblong, or how big is it, or what?

ANSWER: THE PEPPER BALL IS ROUND ABOUT THE SIZE OF AN APPLE. DO YOU HAVE APPLES?

Question: Yes! Go on.

ANSWER: THE PEPPER BALLS CONTAINS THE STINGING PEPPER FLUID, OF COURSE.

Question: Wait a minute! Assume we know absolutely nothing about this because we don’t! The Pepper Ball contains a stinging fluid!!?? What is it made from?

ANSWER: INSIDE THE PEPPER BALL IS A FLUID INFUSED WITH EXTRACTS OF VARIOUS NOXIOUS BURNING WEEDS AND EXTREMELY HOT PEPPER EXTRACTS OF MAYAN ORIGIN.

Question: Uhh.. Well… Oh jeepers … just tell us more, could you?

ANSWER: THE SKIN OF THE PEPPER BALL IS A SEMI-TOUGH MEMBRANE WHICH BURSTS WHEN HURLED WITH SUFFICIENT FORCE AT THE TRAC MAN.

Question: Oy! Oy! So there are 12 players on each team. I assume you pass the Pepper Ball back and forth as you work it down … a court … which we assume is inside this Wik Cage … and the goal is to throw it at the Trac Man. Is this right?

ANSWER: YES. THE PLAYING AREA WITHIN THE WIK CAGE IS THE MALL.

Question: So, the Trac Man is kind of a goalie positioned at either end of the Pepper Ball Mall playing area?

ANSWER: THE TRAC MAN STALKS THE AREA AT EACH END OF THE MALL, YES. HE SEEKS TO AVOID THE PEPPER BALL.

Question: And the object of Pepper Ball is to throw the Pepper Ball at the Trac Man so that a stinging liquid bursts forth … and then what? It causes him great stinging pain, or what?

ANSWER: YES, THE TRAC MAN IS NAKED, OF COURSE. THE PEPPER FLUID CAUSES GREAT PAIN, BURNING HIS SKIN.

Question: (Lots of groans). I’m sorry, Dr. 58, but you can’t imagine how ridiculous this all sounds to us. But, anyway, does this Pepper Fluid cause severe skin damage, or what?

ANSWER: THE AFFECT IS LONG-LASTING, EXTREMELY PAINFUL BUT TEMPORARY. A STRIKE TO THE GENITALS OF THE TRAC MAN IS HIGHLY DESIRABLE FOR THE OPPOSING TEAM.

Question: I’ll bet! That would really make him cry out! The old Pepper Sauce to the business section! Is being the Trac Man a voluntary role, or is this part of the game reserved for criminals in your society undergoing some kind of punishment?

ANSWER: NO, TO BE A TRAC MAN IS A HIGH HONOR. THE BEST TRAC MEN ARE HIGHLY REVERED. THOSE OF GREAT OBESITY AND NIMBLENESS ARE HELD IN EXULTED ESTEEM.

Question: Wait a minute, so the ideal Trac Man is a big fat guy, but who is also quick on his feet? And he runs around naked trying to avoid getting pelted with a ball full of Pepper Oil!!! Please, please, please, please, stop bull**tting us, Dr. 58!! We can’t stand it! You’ve had your laugh, now tell the truth!!

ANSWER: I DON’T UNDERSTAND YOU. I AM DESCRIBING OUR SPORT, AS YOU ASKED.

Question: Yeesh!! Well, okay, if this Pepper Ball is capable of bursting on contact, how do the players on each team toss it around to each other without it blowing up in their hands, do you know what I mean?

ANSWER: BASKET RACKETS ARE USED TO TOSS THE BALL BETWEEN PLAYERS. IT TAKE GREAT SKILL TO CONTROL THE VELOCITY OF THE PEPPER BALL. IT SOMETIMES BURSTS ON PLAYERS RESULTING IN PENALTY.

Question: Are all the players naked?

ANSWER: NO, THEY WEAR PEPPER BALL SUIT AND HARNESS.

Question: What do you mean by harness? What kind of harness?

ANSWER: YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING. EACH PLAYER IS CONNECTED BY ELASTIC VINE TO THE LATTICE WORK ABOVE THE WIK CAGE. DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?

Question: No, not really. Are you saying that each player as some kind of elastic, sort of bungee cord or rope hooked up their uniforms somehow?

ANSWER: I DON’T KNOW BUNGEE, BUT YES, A ROPE, OF SORTS MADE FROM THE KIBBUE VINE, A VERY ELASTIC VINE THAT ALLOWS THE PLAYERS TO LEAP INTO THE AIR AS THEY MOVE UP AND DOWN THE MALL.

Question: Uhhhhhhhhhh... Well, where is this Kibbue Vine attached to the players?

ANSWER: IN THE LOWER BACK AT THE CENTER OF GRAVITY OF THE PLAYER, ALLOWING HIM TO LEAP UP AND DOWN.

Question: So, I’m trying to get a picture of this. The player is in a harness, hooked to an elastic vine, and this vine is suspended from a lattice work -- the top of the Wik Cage? Is there a mechanism for the vine to move along the lattice work where it attaches to the top of the Wik Cage. Do you know what I mean, Dr. 58?

ANSWER: YES, AT THE TOP THE KIBBUE VINE IS CONNECTED BY ROLLERS WHICH GLIDE ALONG THE TOP LATTICE WORK OF THE WIK CAGE.

Question: Well, with 24 guys running around, don’t these vines get tangled up?

ANSWER: NO. ALL STAY WITHIN THEIR ALLEYS.

Question: So they can only move up and down the mall, not side to side?

ANSWER: NO, THEY HAVE WAY TO MOVE SIDE TO SIDE. IT REQUIRES GREAT SKILL FOR ALL.

(Note: At this point our friend, Eugene, who is an engineer, made a good observation. He said that in order for the Pepper Ball players to bounce on their elastic vines, there must be a way to maintain tension in the vines. Eugene wanted us to ask how this works).

Question: Dr. 58, for the players to be able to use the vines for jumping, there must be some tension in the vine, do you know what we mean? I mean, if a Pepper Ball player is attached to the vine, and if he runs along the floor of your playing area, the Mall, how is it that tension is maintained in the vine? Do you understand what we are asking?

ANSWER: YES. THE BOOT OF THE PEPPER BALL PLAYER IS MAGNETIZED AND SO ADHERES TO THE SURFACE OF THE MALL. IT REQUIRES GREAT SKILL TO MAINTAIN BALANCE BETWEEN SURFACE AND AERIAL MANEUVERS.

Question: Hmmm. So the Pepper Baller sticks to the floor with magnetized boot soles, but can, at will, release from the floor to make a Kibbue Vine leap? How is the release triggered?

ANSWER: THE MAGNETIC EFFECT IS OVERCOME BY THE LEAP OF THE PEPPER BALL PLAYERS. YOU NEED STRONG LEG MUSCLES, ALONG WITH FINESSE OF FOOTWORK. AS I SAID, PEPPER BALL IS A HIGHLY SKILLED SPORT.

Question: I’ll bet. Are the bottom of the boots, the magnetized soles flexible, or rigid?

ANSWER: FLEXIBLE.

Question: So let me get this straight: There are 12 players on each side. All are slung from flexible harnesses inside some kind of large cage. The players move up and down the Mall, passing the Pepper Ball to each other using basket rackets. They also leap up and down -- which I have to admit, sounds rather wild and exciting. The object is to get near the Trac Man and sling the Pepper Ball at his fat, naked body, causing him serious skin pain. What then? When you hit the Trac Man, do you get points, as in a score, or what?

ANSWER: THE OBJECT IS THE SUBMISSION OF THE TRAC MAN. WHEN HE CAN NO LONGER ENDURE THE PAIN, HE OFFERS HIMSELF IN PROSTRATION. THE GAME IS OVER. THE WINNERS LATHE HIM IN A SOOTHING EMOLLIENT TO HONOR HIS PLAY.

Question: This emollient, it takes away the sting of the Pepper liquid?

ANSWER: IN A DAY, OR SO, YES.

Question: Well, that’s a very sportsman-like gesture for the winners to wash their opposing track man in a soothing emollient.

ANSWER: YES. PEPPER BALL IS A GAME OF DIGNITY AND HONOR.

Question: Why is he called the Trac Man?

ANSWER: I’M NOT SURE OF THE ORIGIN OF THE TERM.

Question: So, this big fat Trac Man just sort of roams about in his own territory on each end of the Mall and when opposing player approach, he tries to evade being hit with a Pepper Ball?

ANSWER: YES. I AM SURPRISED YOU DO NOT HAVE THIS GAME.

Question: You say that you play this game. What team are you on?

ANSWER: THE WASPMEN OF KER.

Question: Cool name, and appropriate. A bet you guys really know how to bring the sting! Are here different levels of the sport? I mean, are there professional leagues and amateur leagues, or what?

ANSWER: I’M NOT SURE WHAT YOU MEAN. PEPPER BALL IS PLAYED IN OUR SOCIETY.

Question: Well, is your team one of the best in New York, a dominant team, or what? Do you have national championships?

ANSWER: WE HAVE A GOOD TEAM. WE HAVE BROUGHT MANY TRAC MEN TO SUBMISSION.

Question: What do you play for? Pride, or money, or what?

ANSWER: I DON’T KNOW WAT YOU MEAN. PEPPER BALL IS A GAME. WE PLAY IT FOR SPORT. THERE IS SOME ADULATION.

Question: What position do you play on the Waspmen of Ker?

ANSWER: I FAVOR THE MIDLEAP POSITION.

Question: Do you have a mighty Trac Man? Is he very fat, and can he endure great suffering? Is he nimble?

ANSWER: WE HIGHLY VALUE OUR TRAC MAN.

Question: What is his name? I bet a good Trac Man is difficult to find, yes?

ANSWER: I WOULD NOT TELL YOU HIS NAME. HE KNOWS NOT OF CODICIL 13. YES, TRAC MAN ARE VALUED.

Question: You know, it seems that since the object of Pepper Ball is to strike a moving man by hurling a ball, it would make much more sense if he was a real skinny guy, and thus more difficult to hit. What do you think?

ANSWER: BY TRADITION, THE TRAC MAN IS OF WIDE GIRTH.

Question: Okay. What if you hit him in the eyes?

ANSWER: THE TRAC MAN WEARS PROTECTIVE EYE GUARDS.

Question: So a groin shot is highly valued. Why is that? Because it can cause him to submit faster?

ANSWER: YES.

Question: How many Pepper Ball strikes can the average Trac Man endure?

ANSWER: IT VARIES GREATLY. THE MIGHTY ENDURE MUCH.

Question: Okay, we’re very tired, Dr. 58. Thank you and we’ll speak to you again at a later time.

ANSWER: YES.

(We had dozens more questions about Pepper Ball, but we simply needed to end the session there because we were exhausted. Next, we will get onto what happened with the Nazi satellite disaster).